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People, especially, the child and then adult-child of a parent or parents, in relationship to or with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Anti Social Personality Disorder, are often unknowingly trauma-bonded to their abuser. This type of bond, a trauma bond or betrayal bond is not at all a healthy bond or healthy attachment. People do feel attached, however. Often those who are trauma-bonded to a person with BPD, NPD, or ASPD, anyone with a Cluster B Personality Disorder, are codependent and find it very painful and difficult to leave, or take space, or go low to to no contact. There is a severe missing of the Cluster B abusers that creates a strong longing for the borderline, narcissist or psychopath that feels so strong and so painful that it feels like it will destroy you. Clients have often described this to me as feeling that something broke and that they are so broken now. This can bring about strong feelings of need for the Cluster B abuser in spite of the high conflict, the pain, and the often used tactic, among others, of intermittent reinforcement that fools you back into biting a hook again, if even for a short time. Trauma bonds are often played out not only by the Cluster B personality disordered but people who have unresolved issues from their own childhoods that cause them to feel needy or want to fix the other person no matter what and cause them to not really know how to detach and take care of themselves.
I know I will come back to this video again and again in the future. I really thank you again so much. There are many people out here reaching out to help and you are one of them that has really hit a place of helpful healing for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Can you do one on why children Trauma bond to bpd parental alienator and npd grandmother where child is psychologically covertly abused so bad while abuser acts to be supportive even making children believe they r being supportive but all the while the children know they are and have been physically abused tricked and lied to but child subconscieciously will turn thier own reality into the beliefs of thier covert abusers,even making false claims against healthy parent .how this is the start of child being induced into splitting bpd and Narsisism being trained by npd adult into believing they r superior over a healthy parental figure.
In my relationship I had brought the intermittent upset /anger / chaos ....I learned it at home then repeated it through career choices in boot camp and my job on the ambulance ...it was hugely upsetting for her and confusing as it would come out of the blue at her ....though I feel she did things that were jerkish that I had told her were upsetting or triggering there were other times when I just couldn't hold it in anymore and would blow when she was in all actuality just caught up in her own head and not provoking ....it's been a couple months and I've just decided to accept my feelings keep doing the work and hope for the best - I'll never go to her - she chose someone else so....
I have been through years of varying types of therapy and none of it was centered around healing the trauma that I have been through. Your video was so helpful and I plan on reading the books you suggested to someone else. Thanks
It started when I was 14. I was terminally ill from a muscle wasting disease and neglected by my immediate family. An uncle got out of prison for CSC third tier and was allowed into the house do to general desperation from a single parent with six kids. He targeting me immediately and convinced me that if I let him sexually "save" me God would heal me. I clung to him viciously because he seemed to care and I wanted to feel someone care. I also had a predisposition to trauma bonding because five years before my dad had gone to prison for four life sentences for sexual, physical and mental abuse, age 3 to 9. So at 14, I already had multiple suicide attempts and had given up, I was ready to die. He showed me affection and I clung to that with me life, no matter the cost. He told me that God wanted me to act as his wife, and keep the secret because no one would understand, and I did for almost 13 years. Now at 27 years old, I woke up last week and confided in a friend and I can't figure out why. I turned him in five days ago and I feel like I'm dying. My entire life has been a lie. I'm still physically disabled and my mental state is desperate. Officers and adult social workers have talked to me a couple days ago, but that was it. I'm alone in this apartment now and nobody seems to understand how deep the rabbit hole goes. I asked my doctor for inpatient care, but all they did was take me off my pain meds (so I don't hurt myself apparently) and tell me to see a counselor. I don't have connections and I can't even do my own shopping. I feel in a way like I'm already dead. I don't know how to get out.
Wow! One of your best videos! Intermittent reinforcement is so obvious but even as a psychologist, I haven't thought of it that way. I'm so re-trauma bonded with my elderly dad & bpd/npd dead mom (due to events that put me back from what I escaped the minute I was old enough). I escaped finally (this time, to my shock, they were worse than I remembered or ever realized). I can't figure out how to be resilient again. I read The Betrayal Bond a while ago & found it disturbing, but agree, it's an excellent book. I've tried to pick it up again but don't see anything about how to overcome this. I feel afraid to go no contact with my dad because I worry he will die (I'm so ingrained to put my parents first). Can u recommend a therapeutic approach? Ty. Brilliant work!
Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad you found the video helpful. I'm sorry to hear all you have been through and are still dealing with. As I'm sure are aware Trauma Bonds - healing them is some of the deepest work in therapy. I empathize with your fear of no contact with your Father because he's older and will at some point pass away, however, you deserve to put you first. A few therapeutic approaches come to mind - 1) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 2) Trauma Focused Therapy 3) Psychodynamic Therapy which actually might be the best. In this modality the first goal is to begin by identifying which phase of the traumatic response an individual is stuck in. Hope that gives you something to think about and perhaps a direction to take. You deserve to take care of you first, now, and as painful as it is remember the block of cognitive dissonance and that we cannot control loss because if one tries to avoid it and is blocked, at least in part by cognitive dissonance one will stay stuck in all of that suffering.
+A.J. Mahari Hope can be a dangerous thing.
Hope is the seed of denial.
Pain is there for a reason, and people would do well by paying more attention to it.
It is a valuable asset.
There are a lot of people that are entirely out of touch with their own emotions, and their motivations.
A lot of people seem to be virtual strangers, in relation to themselves.
Yes, it is a real "hook" with Cluster B's but as you mention, casinos & gamblers, lottery players, in many types of situations in life where if one has an addictive type personality one can be greatly harmed by intermittent reinforcement. That is not to say being hooked by it with a Cluster B makes one an addict to Cluster B's at all. But it does keep people going around the painful cycles of abuse.
Hi AJ ...you know they way we often go to the same familiar places, for a walk...for a beer...to shop...whatever ? Isn't there a link to familiarity with pain...it becomes the habitual norm ? So people stay in sitautions/relationships that are not necessarily healthy. Same thing for addictions I suppose. I looked into pain a lot after a car crash, trying to understand, and it seems that though the progress in neuroscience and the technology of brain scans etc that it is the same part of the brain that handles psychological and physical pain. This would explain chronic pain , as well as somatic pain, when the body reacts with physical pain to a psychological wound. Do you have any feedback on this ?
This was so helpful, thank you. I don't know if its possible, but if you may be able to point me in the right direction, via a good book to read, I'd so appreciate it. I believe I did have a trauma bond with one of my parents, and later in life it manifested into something akin to a repetition compulsion. I would choose friends who unbeknownst to me at the time were similar to the cluster b parent. Its as if I was unconsciously trying to re-write history to make the outcome turn out better this time? I have eased out of a number of relationships that were unhealthy for me in the last ten years, including a cluster b parent. I wondered if this tendency to choose friends similarly might be a common pattern for those raised with cluster b and/or trauma bonded? Thank you again very much for your informative vids.
Glad it was helpful and thank you for your kind words. The best book I've ever read on this is, "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships" Another helpful books is, "The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses" Hope that helps.
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